Frau Halt

Her name was Frau Halt and she epitomized being a German woman. More specifically, she had a career as a local civil servant, a peculiar interest in leather belts and teddy bears and she loved zucchini for how they reminded her of a holiday fling in Zimbabwe. Apart from that, she possessed all the qualities of a specific type of German woman found all across the Heimat.

She was punctual to a tee, meticulously pronounced words like “diszipliniert” and truly wished things in general could be boxed in structures of exclamation marks. She believed in rules and the importance of adhering to them. Like so many others, she considered it a duty of hers to point out the shortcomings of others, and considered it a remarkable offence to let things slide no matter how trivial the circumstance. Her collection of 19^th Century sex toys, however, was unrivalled.

Prize possession among her impressive set of titillation devices was a Chinese dildo rumoured to originate in the Ming dynasty, but pilfered from a high-up Chinaman with a fetish for replicated schlongs by a servant of a Prussian king with similar interests. This king was Frau Halt’s great-very-great grandfather, and her biggest regret in life was not being born in a time where the public and the private spheres were still so neatly separated.

She relished in the fact that none of her colleagues knew that as she went about her daily business, a two-inch ebony butt plug provided her with an ongoing source of delight. The thrill of her guilty pleasure hiding in plain sight boosted her confidence, and it would continue to do so until one unfortunate afternoon where an accident with a goulash gone off resulted in a severe rush of diarrhoea, exposing her sordid little secret.

But that was all in the future and Frau Halt had of course no idea that such a social travesty lay in waiting. Had she known, she would’ve surely opted for the Linseneintopf also on the day’s menu instead.